The Gay Archive Project

Michael Hamar is an openly gay man and a successful Attorney At Law.  It was through his highly informative and thought-provoking blog Michael in Norfolk that he first came to my attention.  Michael talks about coming out in mid-life, life itself, love, as well as his religious beliefs and political convictions.  I contacted Michael with regards being interviewed and he very graciously agreed.  Thank you Michael.

What was/were the trigger(s) which made you begin to question your sexual identity?  Was it one of those eureka moments or was it a succession of moments/events which brought you to the realisation of who and what you were/are?  Was it a relief to discover the truth about who you were/are? I think I always knew in my heart from about 12 years old.  Did I accept it?  Definitely not given my upbringing in conservative upstate New York and my traditional Catholic background.  It was only after a chance event that I found myself forced to face the reality of my true sexual orientation.  Yes, after the initial freaking out phase, it was a huge relief and I truly felt as if a huge weight had been taken off me.

I know you’ve touched upon the difficulties contained within making the very personal decision to come out and live truthfully and you went through an incredibly painful divorce.  Was there ever a point during that process when you thought it would have been easier to just go back to living as you had been or were you resolute in your convictions from the outset and determined to see it through no matter what?

During the coming out process I think many of us have our moments during which we wonder if life would have been easier if we had stayed in the closet.  But overall, I knew that I could not go back in the closet.  In fact, the ex-wife  told me to either go back in the closet and pretend nothing had happened or to get out and I decided that I had to move out.  I simply knew that I could no longer live my life as an actor playing a role others dictated for me.

What comes across clearly through your blog are your religious convictions.  Some would argue that being a practising gay person and a Christian are wholly incompatible?  What would you say to those people?

I do not think being gay and Christian are wholly incompatible.  The key is to leave a faith tradition if it is anti-gay and find one that is gay affirming.  In my own case, I left the Roman Catholic church in which I had been raised and joined the Lutheran Church (the Evangelical Church in America – not the Missouri Synod Lutheran Church which is reactionary and anti-gay).  I have a number of gay/lesbian friends who are Episcopalian and very involved in their respective churches.  I’d also add that I suspect Christ would condemn anti-gay Christians as he condemned the Pharisees in the Gospels.

There are those within the Christian movement who peddle misinformation and occasional lies about the LGBT community.  How does this affect your own spiritual worldview?  Has your faith ever faltered due to the resistance and sometimes outright hostility gay people as a collective have to face as well as you the individual?  Or has it in some ways strengthened your beliefs?

The constant, deliberate lies of the Christianists as I call them here in the USA can take a toll on one’s spirituality and there have been times I have stayed away from church when I have grown impatient with the ELCA Lutheran’s not being even more gay affirming than they are – at least in this synod.  I do think that LGBT Christians often end off with stronger faith because we have had to think and reflect far more on matters of faith given the hostility we experience from the Christianists.

You’ve mentioned about being an out professional in a relatively conservative area.  What are some of the challenges you have to face because of that?

The first challenge I faced was that I was forced out of a larger law firm my prior law firm was merging with because the powers that be did not want an openly gay partner.  My existence might offend some of their bigoted clients.  Of course, they dressed it up as something other than anti-gay bigotry, but I knew what was really going on based on previous comments and incidents.

Part of the reason I started my own firm was so that I could be open and honest about who I am without flaunting it and also so that I could aggressively market to the LGBT community.  I now have a gay paralegal as well and a sizeable LGBT client base.  My sub-tenant, the ELCA Bishop for Virginia, and my straight client base seem to have no issue with my sexual orientation.  Neither do my Hindu and Muslim clients – they are concerned with my competence as an attorney, not who I love.

Another facet of your life which positively shines through your writings is the fact you’re a parent.  How has your relationship with your children been affected by your decision to live honestly and openly as a gay man?

I am the proud parent of three children: a daughter 20, a son almost 24, and a daughter, 27.  Other than the extreme nastiness of the divorce, I’d say that my coming out has improved our relationship.  I am less moody, less angry, and more conscious of needing to be a loving father than when I was in the closet racked with self-hate and self-loathing.  My youngest child recently commented on my blog that she saw it as a positive for the whole family (I suspect the ex-wife might not agree).

You’re an Attorney At Law, have you faced any discrimination within the legal community because of your decision to be open about who you are in the workplace?

As I noted above, I was basically forced out of a law firm for being gay.  Anti-gay bigotry is alive and well in South-East Virginia.

Do you personally represent people in the LGBT communities who have faced/are facing discrimination in the workplace?  What are the key concerns faced by people who are out and gay in the workplace?

Yes, I do represent clients from the LGBT community who are facing employment discrimination.  Unfortunately, Virginia has no state law employment non-discrimination protections.  Similarly, Federal Law provides no employment non-discrimination protections.  The result is that employees of privately owned businesses have no protections and are routinely fired or demoted for being gay.  State employees have supposed protections under an executive order of the Governor of Virginia and I am currenly handling a case of a gay man who was fired by the Virginia Museum of Natural History for being gay.  We are still awaiting the court’s ruling in that case.

There are a lot of people who are aware of their sexuality and wish to come out and be themselves but are afraid of the consequences of that, in their own lives and their workplaces.  What advice would you give them?

Through my blog there are times I receive messages from closeted gays.  Some are more worried about keeping their material possessions than living honestly.  For me – and I lost just about everything in the divorce case – finding self-acceptance and being able to at long last just be who I am is beyond value.  Coming out in mid-life after being married with children is not an easy journey.  Ultimately, each person needs to decide what are the most important things to them and then act accordingly.

America has a new President in the form of Barack Obama.  Do you feel more hopeful in terms of better legal rights for gay people and/or those in same sex relationships?

I supported Obama’s campaign and even allowed his local campaign staff during the Virginia primary to use my law office for phone banking and making photocopies, etc.  And I did feel more hopeful at first with his election, but so far Obama has been a huge disappointment in terms of LGBT rights issues.  Yes, I’d rather see him as president as opposed to John McCain – especially with the delusional Sarah Palin as his Vice President -  but I am increasingly concerned that Obama’s lofty pro-gay campaign statements were a cynical way to garner LGBT votes and money.  Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell needs to be repealed NOW.  Likewise we need federal employment non-discrimination laws passed NOW.  I am hoping Obama will prove me wrong, but only action will convince me that he actually meant what he said during the campaign.

What do you think has been the single biggest stumbling block in terms of better and wider recognition of the rights of gay people in America today, both within the political world and in mainstream society?

Without a doubt the biggest stumbling block has been the opposition by the “Christian” Right and what I call the professional Christian set.  These people lie, spread knowingly false information and use gays as a way to raise money from the ignorant and uninformed and as a wedge issue in politics.  If we had a more responsible news media that had the guts to expose the deliberate lies of these people and organizations, their power could be broken quickly.  Unfortunately, due to a fear of appearing “anti-religion” and the ever more prevalent hiring of news anchors for their looks as opposed to brains, the media fails to be responsible and tell the larger real truth about the self-styled “Godly Christians.”  Meanwhile, gay affirming denominations get little news exposure.

You’ve obviously been though a lot in terms of getting married, realising who you are, a bitter divorce and so on and so forth.  Is there anyone special in your life at the moment?  If so, what differences has this made to you?

I have a very wonderful man in my life currently and we have been together for a little over ten months although we have known each other socially for roughly five years.  His name is Barry.  First, I’d have to say that he loves me and cares for me more than anyone has before – certainly more than the ex-wife ever did – and that he is a huge emotional support for me.  He is sweet, caring, compassionate and has a heart of gold.  He is also very cute!  We have been living together on a trial basis at his home – I have tenants in my house right now – for about a month and so far we seem pretty compatible.  I have always wanted a relationship that feels complete (something that was impossible in a straight marriage) and I believe I have found it at last.  He means the world to me.  I think at some point we will get married in Canada or one of the North Eastern states that allows same sex marriage even though it would not be recognized in Virginia.

Above photograph (l-r) Barry and Michael.

A wonderful interview.  Thank you Michael.

http://michael-in-norfolk.blogspot.com/
http://www.hamarlaw.com

(This interview is from May 2009)


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