Bethany Wong is 19, lives in the UK and is currently studying biochemistry at the University of Bath. She's chair of the university LGBT support group for 09/10, and with two colleagues has started the campaign 365 Days of Pride.
Bethany, could you tell me a bit about your upbringing?
I was born in Hampshire UK and spent my primary school years in Fareham, before moving to Southend on Sea, Essex, when I was 10 following my dad’s job. I did my 11+ exam and got into all-girls grammar school, where I also stayed for sixth form. I’ve got one younger brother, Joshua, who’s just finished his GCSEs.
At what point did you become aware of experiencing same-sex attractions?
I think it was a gradual thing, just another part of growing up; you realise about sex and love and all that jazz, and I just knew that I could like girls that way. I had an English teacher I really liked, and I had a mini-crush on her I suppose, and that would have been when I was about 12/13. But I didn’t think anything of it then; I’d heard that everyone goes through a phase of same-sex attraction as the grow up, and I just thought it was that. But the feeling never went away, and when none of my friends as powerful a ‘phase’ I came to realise it might be something more.
Was the realisation of your same-sex feelings difficult to reconcile? What label did you apply to yourself at this time?
I don’t know when I first identified as bisexual – in school my friends knew I’d had a girlfriend but also had major crushes on male celebs (David Tennant in particular) so I was out without quantifying it for a long time. I never had a trouble with being ‘gay’. I was brought up in an open minded family and never felt that it was wrong or had to struggle with it; I suppose I’m lucky in that respect. I developed a crush on a friend early on, and the biggest problem I’ve had with being bisexual was handling this unrequited love for a straight girl. It was pretty intense, as first loves are, and made me very averse to one-sided relationships of any kind – as a friend, she was very demanding but because I cared so much about her I put up with a lot before I snapped. I’m definitely wary of forming attractions to unattainable people, but sadly still seem to do it on a regular basis.
Can you remember the first person you came out to? Can you describe the feelings associated with that?
Would probably have been my first girlfriend, Laura. We came out at school by telling people we were a couple! I remember we’d not been especially close friends beforehand, but we’d been edging toward one another for a while. I went over her house for a sleepover one weekend and in the dark we sort of asked each other out. I was more nervous about being attracted to her and wanting to ask her out than the gay aspect of it, I think because I had an inkling she felt the same way. I was definitely nervous about coming out to our friends, but that went pretty well. I’m sure these early successes have led to the very blasé attitude I have to coming out now – I just assume everyone knows!
Has your family been supportive of you throughout?
They’ve never disapproved. My mum guessed the ‘friend’ I’d brought home for tea was my girlfriend in about ten seconds, asked me and I admitted to being bisexual. I’m sure she thought is was just a phase, perhaps because of my age (15 at the time). Every time I’ve told her I’m seeing someone since, she’s asked “So are you gay/straight now?” depending on the gender of my partner. I’ve patiently explained every time that no, I’m still bi, I just happen to be with a guy/girl. It got very frustrating, especially since my relationships have practically alternated gender! Totally coincidently, honest. It’s only since my going to uni and becoming involved with the LGBT group there that she’s started to get it.
Have you received any negative feedback from anyone you have come out to?
No, I count myself very lucky in that I’ve never experienced real homophobia. I’ve had snide comments from girls who’d have used anything to be nasty to me, and I’ve had stupid questions asked in innocence by friends, but noone has rejected me. A very good friend of mine told me, in the kindest possible way, that she thought I was probably going to hell. Which from anyone else might have provoked an angry response, but she meant it totally with love for me in mind. She’s strongly Christian, but in the best way – kind, generous and truly humble – and we’re definitely still friends.
So you're at Uni? That has to be a totally different experience. How are you finding it?
Enlightening. I’ve learnt so much about myself in such a short time! I’ve made some amazing friends and had some great experiences. Living away from home is quite terrifying to start with, but now I’m back in the parental abode I’m appreciating the freedom! The learning is on a totally different level to college, and while it’s been a challenge I am looking forward to my studies next year, as well as the social aspect.
Talk to me about your involvement with the University's LGBT group? How did that start?
Well, we got given all these bits of paper during freshers' week, and one of them was the list of support groups and how to contact them. I went along to the first meeting and social, made a few friends, and I was hooked. Meetings are intended to be vaguely educational and attempt to provoke debate, the latter getting achieved all too well on occasion! When election time came around before Easter someone told me I’d make a good female chair, and being easily susceptible to flattery I thought I’d run for it. I’m glad I did, it meant I got to go to NUS LGBT conference this year and make friends my amazing co-chair Felix. We’ve got some great ideas for the group next year, and hope to make our committee one that’s remembered!
What's 365 Days of Pride?
365 Days is the campaign created by me, Felix and Tom after we went to LGBT conference. The conference ran over three days and took over two hotels in the middle of Nottingham. There were loads of free badges being given out, with rainbows or ‘I support same-sex marriage’ on them, and we were disappointed to find ourselves warned about wearing them outside the hotel. We thought that this was very uncool and on the train back our debate came up with 365 Days Of Pride, a shiny new campaign like no other. There are no meetings, no marches and no letters to MPs. It’s not political, it’s personal. It’s about showing pride to be LGBT in a small way everyday, just to make the community more visible. I believe it’s only by being seen that we can be accepted, and it’s often easy to blend into the crowd. As well, I didn’t know anyone who was out as LGBT before I came out, and while it didn’t hinder me much, I suspect that it would be a great confidence boost for someone in the closet to see another person in their community out and happy.
I’m very proud of 365 Days; between the three of us we’ve changed an idea and a feeling into a working campaign with sponsorship, resources and a website: www.365daysofpride.co.uk There’s a facebook group too!
Could you tell me about your redefinition from bisexual to pansexual and a little bit about what the term means?
Conference again! Three days, and I learnt and changed so much. I’d previously not come into contact with anyone who identified as trans, queer, or genderfluid – anyone from the ‘T’ spectrum of LGBT. But when suddenly exposed to so many different people who identified that way, I couldn’t help but notice many of them were very attractive. I couldn’t tell if they’d been born male or female, but I could tell that they were damn sexy!
One person came to my particular attention. Kai spoke on conference floor about feeling excluded from LGBT as a pansexual, and only being represented as a trans person. Kai was later prevented from attended bisexual caucus because of their announcement (caucuses are open only to those who identify as the title – so only self-identified women can attend women’s caucus, etc). I managed to speak to Kai, who explained the term pansexual to me as ‘someone who is attracted to any and all gender identities, not just men an women’ where bisexual indicated attraction to both binary genders and a polysexual was attracted to many gender identities but not all. After my appreciation of the trans community at conference, I found myself needing to reject the binary gender idea that came with the term bisexual.
Re-defining isn’t easy, especially since many people haven’t heard of pansexual. Outside of LGBT circles, I tend to stick with bi because to explain pan I’d need to explain about trans and gender identities, which would just take too long! One good thing about it is that I can escape some of the negative stereotyping that surrounds the word bisexual, and can separate myself from those girls who pretend to be bi to get guys (who frankly piss me off). Telling people I’m pansexual gives me a little boost of pride; I feel like I know myself better, like I’m supporting members of my community who sometimes get overlooked, and I might even be educating people a little bit when I have to explain what it means (again!).
We met through the social networking site Pretty Pink Pearl, what drew you to the site? What do you like best/worst about it?
I think I saw an ad for it on facebook, as the ‘gay networking site’. Fired from my planning for the group next year, I joined up on impulse. I was surprised to find how new it was, but I think that’s why I like it so much. I’ve watched it grow =) I love the chatroom because everyone tends to be so nice. The forum annoys me a little, because while there are many threads asking for advice, opinions and interests, there are tons titled ‘I’m bored’ or something, and it drives me a bit mad! If you’re bored, go do something, I don’t want to know when I come online two hours later!
We met in person at this year's Oxford Pride, are you a frequent attendee of Pride events? If so, what Prides do you have lined up this year? What was your first Pride event?
Not at all, that was actually my first pride! I’m going to the London pride parade with a few friends on 4th July and I’m pretty excited. I hope to become a regular attendee, and maybe even start an event at Bath.
You and I have spoken briefly about the feelings present when one's about to come out, can you encapsulate them for me? There's nothing quite like it is there?
It feels a lot like asking out someone you really like, I think. The relief and euphoric feeling that follows a positive response is definitely similar! Given that my current method of choice is to assume I’m out to everyone, I tend to get this gathering of butterflies in my stomach when I realise I’ve mentioned it to someone for the first time. As I said, I’ve never had a negative response, but there’s always that fear I will, that someone will reject me based on this one fact about me.
How would you describe yourself in 5 words?
Positive, imaginative, procrastinator, crazy, friendly
Books/Albums of the moment?
Personal Demon, by Kelley Armstrong. The latest in her ‘Women of the Otherworld’ series, it features a strong female protagonist in plausible fantasy situation. I adore Armstrong’s books. Don’t really have an album of the moment, but I can’t get The Veronicas’ ‘Untouched’ out of my head...
Where do you see yourself in 5 years' time?
Doing either a PhD or a PGCE, depending on my career choices! Hopefully with someone, hopefully happy and hopefully still active in the LGBT forum.
Describe your ideal date?
Any setting where we can have a conversation, because getting to know the other person is the idea, I think. Dinner, perhaps a drink or a walk, then having to hurry home because you’ve spent so long talking would be perfect.
Thank you Bethany for a fabulous interview!
http://www.365daysofpride.co.uk/
(This interview is from June 2009)
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